It has been a long time since I've written something here and today I'm writing something really personal in hope that it'll create an awareness for people to appreciate things more.

Years ago, I lost my hero. I've written about this before for those who do not know, it was posted on June 9, 2015 entitle "My Hero". I never posted about his passing on social media except for this blog itself. I still have friends from my high school who do not know about his passing till today. I didn't want to acknowledge the truth that he is gone. Like any typical Asian parents, he never knew how to show his love for us. Physical affection was never a thing to him. The only way he showed us his love was buying us things that we want and working as hard as he can to make sure we do not suffer financially. As much as he tried, we were still struggling but at that time, we just never knew. Among all my siblings, I was the closest to him. He was never really a soft type and he couldn't really get along with all of us but I know he tries in his own way. At that time, it felt like I was the only one who could see how much he loves us. His English language was never good so I would always help him with his work stuffs. We were also close because he loved sports and in high school, I was the only family member who was really into sports and he was so happy about it. He brings me out to hangout with his friends and play badminton together. He would speak another language with his friends about personal stuffs, assuming that I wouldn't understand much but all those time I spent with him, I picked up the language. He loves watching Chinese opera shows, I never found it entertaining but I would sit beside him and ask him about his day at at work. It was a way for me to understand him even more and to try to make him feel less lonely.

 Just like any other family, my parents would argue and whenever they do, I would be their messenger. Passing their apologies for one another, trying to understand their marriage life. I was young, I couldn't understand certain things but I had to learn in order to keep the family together. Growing up, my parents were quite strict and so it created a rebellious phase of me especially during college days. I took advantage of the freedom they gave during those days. I didn't know how much my parents suffered just to make sure we don't feel financially burdened. Like the rest of the teens at that moment, the idea of being in love, dating was on my mind. I did not concentrate on my studies. The amount of lies I've told them was so messed up. Now looking back, I'm so regretful. In college, I remembered the first time I showed him my results and that look of disappointment he gave broke my heart.

Months passed and he started acting differently. Much more distant to the family than before, even to me. He was admitted to the hospital on and off. It was months of us going to the hospital back and forth visiting him when we can. Unfortunately, he was never really diagnosed properly as they couldn't find the exact cause of his vomiting, inability to eat and so on. He was then released from the hospital. He slowly lost weight and it was really unbearable to watch. At times, I would even avoid seeing him. Finally, he told us that he felt better so we all had a little hope that he would eventually recover. Because of him, I love going to night markets and he knew. He brought us to a night market, we shopped and talked like everything was normal. Unexpectedly, the next day, he never woke up from his sleep and there was even a letter that he wrote which we never knew when. I remembered the last sentence of his letter, asking us to behave. The most regretful thing was that I wasn't awake at that moment when the police and ambulance came. I woke up in the afternoon and checked my phone. There were a lot of calls and messages from my family. I read the messages and it was like a bolt from the blue. He was gone. "How could I not hear anything when all of these were happening?". "Why didn't I wake up when they woke me up?". I had no idea what the fuck was going on my mind during that time. I never cried in front of my family during those days of funeral preparations and they assumed I was heartless. I was just trying to be as strong as I can as my finals were coming. I couldn't afford to break down.

My results were so bad that I thought I couldn't even finish my studies but I remember him asking me to behave so I studied hard and passed everything. When I moved on to Degree, I remembered some of my friends being shocked that I was even able to get to Degree. After that, I started looking for part time jobs, any part time jobs that I could work despite having classes. As my hero was gone, so was our main income of the family. No one was working. We had to slowly find our own ways to earn money. Also, he never bought life insurance so we weren't left with much, just amount of debts from credit cards. That was the moment it hit us, how much he suffered just to keep us happy. We never knew how much we were financially struggling. As kids who are clueless of the actual reality of adulthood, we had to learn. My mother was a housewife with not much work experience so there wasn't much she could do but we know she tries her best as the angel she is. 

It has been years since his passing and I still have dreams of him and it kills me every time. There's still a part of me that is unable to accept the truth. This time of pandemic reminded me even more of my parents. The hardwork they've put to ensure a good future for us. I never liked it seeing posts of people wishing their parents were gone because as much as you think you hate them, when they're gone, you will regret. "We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude". Learn to appreciate the things around you even the little ones before it is too late. I learned my lesson. Have you?