The reason why I wrote this was because I know you will never see this. I just don't have the guts to tell you how I really feel. For the days my anger got out of hand and I let it all out on people I should have never did. I don't remember being like this. As I grew older, I slowly lost my patience. Tears can be controlled but anger has been a major issue of mine. I wish the words I have said to you could be erased from your memory because I know it breaks every little piece of that angelic heart of yours. I'm sorry for the days I refuse to spend time with you because I was feeling down and I did not want you to see it. For years, the word "heartless" has been implied on me by people that it has been implanted into my mind that maybe it was better being that way. However, it feels like I have been going overboard because I stopped thinking about how you feel. I do still care and it has been years since I have been wanting to tell you how I really feel on the inside but I am too afraid. Afraid that you will get too worried about me that it will affect yourself. I see the pain in your eyes although you always try to hide it. I actually observe everything but I just choose not to say anything. I'm sorry for being such a coward but I feel like it is better if you don't know the devil that messes up my head. You asked me, " Why do I always go out late at night? " The truth of that is because late nights are the thoughts that hurts the most. Whether it is about my future, present or past, it haunts my mind and it is terrifying. People say that the deadliest thoughts are not what others say or think about you, it is your own thoughts. Nothing can hurt you unless you let it in. I am still controlling my demons, I'm not going to lie, I am not okay but I guess it is okay to not be okay.

Sometimes I am too busy with work and everything that I don't realise that I am not the only one that is growing old, you are too. I do wish that one day you will understand the things I do. No matter how tired I am, I always try my best to lessen your burden but maybe you will never see it. But it is okay, as long as I know what I am doing, trust me I will be fine and I will do the things I have said. I wasn't saying them just for the sake of it. I swear one day you will look at me and be proud of who I turned out to be. I may not be successful now but I know I will be one day. I never intend to be better than anyone but myself and I hope that one day you will finally realise the things I have been through just for you. I would never tell you because I feel like a sacrifice should remain as a sacrifice. I never expected anything much in return but to hope that you would always be happy.

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