I guess you can say these days are just dark and torturous. That one person I had put so much effort on had finally found his 'angel in disguise' and here am I wondering, did I gave up too soon? Or we just weren't meant to be? Maybe it's because I'm never good enough. Having so much feelings towards someone that everything in life felt so right but deep inside that broken heart, you know it's wrong to feel that way. There he goes, talking about how beautiful she is and how she makes him smile absurdly while you're here thinking why am I upset when he was never once mine? Maybe I never really did fell for you... just the heart-touching words you've said to me. Fake or not, I'll never know. There would be a good in goodbye if I get rid of the feelings I've once had for you because I know, I'm doing this for my own good. "Sometimes in life, the things that we are trying to hold on to so much are the things that we just have to let go."
To make things worst than it already is,
My whole life, I've been searching for something that was right in front of me. When I finally realized, as usual, I had to messed it all up. I once craved for you for so long. Why does it feel so different this time? You definitely made me feel like one of a kind. You accepted every flaw about me without a doubt. And we were so close to what you call a fairytale happy ending but I had to ruin it with my endless, pointless thoughts. You have no idea how much I smile, laugh and pretend like everything's going well when truthfully, things really sucks at this point. Under that happy mask, is someone who searches for a reason not to die everyday. Things are not as simple as you think. There are quite a few words I've been holding in and it makes my heart heavier as time passes but I guess, just like some words are better left unsaid, some secrets are better left untold. I just couldn't afford losing that one person who knows it all about me no matter how deep my love is. Sometimes when you act like you're okay, I could see the tears in your eyes. And it kills me to know that I might be the reason for it. The guilt, I can no longer bare. I can't make you feel better or be the one for you but I will always be there for you. "You're the person that I don't ever want to lose." Remember?
" You only think about what is happening now rather than what is going to happen in the future. The outcomes of it. The possibilities of losing you then, I couldn't bare. "
There are times when I get so tired of faking but does saying I'm not okay makes it any better? " I keep on feeling like I'm going to die and I'm so fucking scared. " I thought as time passes by, my heart would feel much lighter than it is now but who am I kidding? Times doesn't heal. It just teaches you to live with the pain; enduring. "If I were to die today, would you come to my funeral and cry? " Honestly, death sounds like a better option these days but ofcz dying is not the solution. I guess you can say I'm sick, tired of the word love.
"Heart so heavy, mind so frozen, dark nightmares every night."
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