"Do not fear for what

needs to be lost."


GratitudeWednesday, August 9, 2023Leave a comment

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

When people say that they want to die, I have always wondered, do they really mean it or is it just because of their circumstances? Is it worth it to end your life without even having to achieve what you want? Before you get the chance to see the beauty of the world, do you really want to end your life? Ask yourself clearly, do you want to end your life entirely or just your suffering ? If you were thrown into the sea without any safety equipment, would you struggle to stay afloat and gasp for air or would you swim deeper into the ocean to drown yourself ? If you ever see a shark coming for you in the sea, would you swim away or wait for it to bite you? Our human instinct will surely fight for survival no matter how hard the situation is. In our conscious mind, we feel like we want to die, to end the suffering, the heartache, agony, guilt and disheartenment. One day, when we finally find peace in our state of mind, the thought of ending our lives, will slowly fade away. At the end of the day, it is all up to you, your mentality, the way you think about the moments in your life, your perspectives, how you use them to change yourself. You can't change how people react but you can always choose how you react to things. If you constantly choose to stay in your safe zone and not do anything about it, your life will never be any different, if you want progress, you have to be brave enough to do things that will make your life better. It is always what you do that matters most not what others think or say because after all, it is your own life, you will be the one facing the consequences. I always feel like, we don't ever really wanna die, we just want to end the pain inside of us.

Anne Frank once said, "Dead people receive more flowers than the living because regret is stronger than gratitude". This, I find entirely true. It's not only towards other people but also ourselves. We take ourselves for granted too. When we were young, we don't realise the negative impacts we could have done to our future wellbeing. We never realised that chasing the sun for so long will someday burn us. As we grew older, we start to feel like we are slowly becoming weaker, whether it's physically or mentally. I actually feel like maybe it's not the feeling of weakness but it is strength that we find in ourselves overcoming every single obstacle we faced in life. We realised the difference between fantasy and reality, we were woke. There are times when these moments of realisation will burn into your thoughts like a searing fire and it will keep burning until when and only, we decide to distinguish the fire ourselves. We were all so eager to be an adult when we were younger and now that we are, we don't really appreciate it. Growing up is good, it shapes who we are, who were meant to be in this world. It is okay to feel lost once in awhile, it is okay to not be strong everytime, just remember to always stand tall after each fall.

There's a famous song lyrics that goes," Only know you love her when you let her go." Do you agree? I know I do. We hardly ever learn to appreciate things when it is given to us. We only realise the true value of a treasure when it is no longer there. For example, how many of us actually thank our parents for the meals they have provided for us everyday? All the years of sacrifices just to put a smile on the faces of their children. It is important to know the true value of these little things. It's not just that, there are plenty of heart-warming gestures that we take for granted. A simple gesture of appreciation can go a long way to make someone's day better.

Before we have something, we were yearning for it but once you actually have it, you'll slowly begin to appreciate it lesser. The excitement slowly dissappears. That's just how humans are, whether it is the feelings we have towards people or things we own. We unconsciously take things for granted especially when we are used to it. When it becomes a habit in our daily lives, we forgot that those little things once made us happy. Did you stopped loving someone because they have changed? Or did you stopped because you have changed? We reach a point in our lives that made us realise, good things don't come easy and it is so hard to meet people who are genuine to you.  Never forget to show the people you cherish most how much you appreciate them. Never forget to appreciate yourself too, the experiences that you have gone through alone when no one was there for you, every setback you've had and overcame. I believe as humans, we should always learn how to appreciate the things we have and cherish the people around us.

"The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate."
- Oprah Winfrey





AppreciationThursday, August 5, 2021Leave a comment

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

It has been a long time since I've written something here and today I'm writing something really personal in hope that it'll create an awareness for people to appreciate things more.

Years ago, I lost my hero. I've written about this before for those who do not know, it was posted on June 9, 2015 entitle "My Hero". I never posted about his passing on social media except for this blog itself. I still have friends from my high school who do not know about his passing till today. I didn't want to acknowledge the truth that he is gone. Like any typical Asian parents, he never knew how to show his love for us. Physical affection was never a thing to him. The only way he showed us his love was buying us things that we want and working as hard as he can to make sure we do not suffer financially. As much as he tried, we were still struggling but at that time, we just never knew. Among all my siblings, I was the closest to him. He was never really a soft type and he couldn't really get along with all of us but I know he tries in his own way. At that time, it felt like I was the only one who could see how much he loves us. His English language was never good so I would always help him with his work stuffs. We were also close because he loved sports and in high school, I was the only family member who was really into sports and he was so happy about it. He brings me out to hangout with his friends and play badminton together. He would speak another language with his friends about personal stuffs, assuming that I wouldn't understand much but all those time I spent with him, I picked up the language. He loves watching Chinese opera shows, I never found it entertaining but I would sit beside him and ask him about his day at at work. It was a way for me to understand him even more and to try to make him feel less lonely.

 Just like any other family, my parents would argue and whenever they do, I would be their messenger. Passing their apologies for one another, trying to understand their marriage life. I was young, I couldn't understand certain things but I had to learn in order to keep the family together. Growing up, my parents were quite strict and so it created a rebellious phase of me especially during college days. I took advantage of the freedom they gave during those days. I didn't know how much my parents suffered just to make sure we don't feel financially burdened. Like the rest of the teens at that moment, the idea of being in love, dating was on my mind. I did not concentrate on my studies. The amount of lies I've told them was so messed up. Now looking back, I'm so regretful. In college, I remembered the first time I showed him my results and that look of disappointment he gave broke my heart.

Months passed and he started acting differently. Much more distant to the family than before, even to me. He was admitted to the hospital on and off. It was months of us going to the hospital back and forth visiting him when we can. Unfortunately, he was never really diagnosed properly as they couldn't find the exact cause of his vomiting, inability to eat and so on. He was then released from the hospital. He slowly lost weight and it was really unbearable to watch. At times, I would even avoid seeing him. Finally, he told us that he felt better so we all had a little hope that he would eventually recover. Because of him, I love going to night markets and he knew. He brought us to a night market, we shopped and talked like everything was normal. Unexpectedly, the next day, he never woke up from his sleep and there was even a letter that he wrote which we never knew when. I remembered the last sentence of his letter, asking us to behave. The most regretful thing was that I wasn't awake at that moment when the police and ambulance came. I woke up in the afternoon and checked my phone. There were a lot of calls and messages from my family. I read the messages and it was like a bolt from the blue. He was gone. "How could I not hear anything when all of these were happening?". "Why didn't I wake up when they woke me up?". I had no idea what the fuck was going on my mind during that time. I never cried in front of my family during those days of funeral preparations and they assumed I was heartless. I was just trying to be as strong as I can as my finals were coming. I couldn't afford to break down.

My results were so bad that I thought I couldn't even finish my studies but I remember him asking me to behave so I studied hard and passed everything. When I moved on to Degree, I remembered some of my friends being shocked that I was even able to get to Degree. After that, I started looking for part time jobs, any part time jobs that I could work despite having classes. As my hero was gone, so was our main income of the family. No one was working. We had to slowly find our own ways to earn money. Also, he never bought life insurance so we weren't left with much, just amount of debts from credit cards. That was the moment it hit us, how much he suffered just to keep us happy. We never knew how much we were financially struggling. As kids who are clueless of the actual reality of adulthood, we had to learn. My mother was a housewife with not much work experience so there wasn't much she could do but we know she tries her best as the angel she is. 

It has been years since his passing and I still have dreams of him and it kills me every time. There's still a part of me that is unable to accept the truth. This time of pandemic reminded me even more of my parents. The hardwork they've put to ensure a good future for us. I never liked it seeing posts of people wishing their parents were gone because as much as you think you hate them, when they're gone, you will regret. "We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude". Learn to appreciate the things around you even the little ones before it is too late. I learned my lesson. Have you?




Thoughts.Friday, December 20, 2019Leave a comment

"We do not want to die, we just want to kill something inside of us."

We always want honesty and loyalty from people but do we ever follow it? We demand the truth but yet when it is shown to us, we would sometimes choose to avoid it because we were unable to accept it. Yes, truth hurts but as the saying goes,"hurt me with the truth but never comfort me with a lie". However, there is a fine line between honesty and bullying. Constructive critism would be good as it helps others but insulting others just for the sake of their own amusement is a whole different story. Sometimes, we even find it hard to be honest to ourselves. We love people who hurt us even when we know they are not good for us. We knew that it would hurt but yet we still went on with it. We tell ourselves, "Maybe, he'll change" or "Maybe, she'll change", but they did not changed and we end up crying in our sleep on our pillows for people who aren't even worth it. We lie to ourselves just so we could feel better. We blindly fall in love and accept every flaw they had. We let go of their pasts and accept them as who they are in the present. Our minds would tell us that they are not the right one but our stubborn heart would still fall head over heels.

Days and months passed, we just kept reminding ourselves, "I love him/her", maybe that is enough. Maybe he will put his pride down and accept me for who I am. Maybe if I treat him well enough, one day he will see it but months and years passed, he is still the same. In fact, from him loving you , it became loved. It makes you realise,"People would only see your sacrifices if they choose to see it." There are so many things in our lives that we are not willing to accept because it hurts us. We would create excuses to stay with the person we love although we know it is not the right choice. Still. the biggest question is, "Is complete honesty ever so good for mankind?". If we were all completely transparent, would the world be a better place to live in or would it turn into a unsolvable chaos? In my thoughts; There are some things that are not meant to be shared. There are secrets that were meant to be kept. There are thoughts that were not meant to be said.

As friends, family, lovers, we demand loyalty from them but yet we are not that loyal ourselves. Sometimes, we hope that our close friends would not have new friends so that they would spend more time with us but yet we can have more friends while hoping that the other, don't; which is selfish. We want our lover, partner, soulmate to never cheat on us by trusting them with our hearts to not do things that are considered as cheating but are you really not cheating on him or her? Are you hiding or deleting your texts just so your other half wouldn't see it? Are you honest to him or her about how you really feel about your relationship? We want to be treated like princesses and are we really treating them like princes? I have always believed in,"Do not do things that you do not want your partner to do." Just like," Treat others like how you want to be treated" but I have to say. this does not apply to every situation.

If you are so unhappy or unsatisfied with a relationship, be brave and tell your partner. Try every possible ways to solve your issues and always remember, it is both of you against the problem not both of you being on a one versus one arguement which would probably lead to more problems. Try to fight till the end for your relationship. If it becomes toxic or hopeless, ask yourself, "Is this even worth it?". The right partner would always make you feel warm and secured that is if you actually tell your partner how you really felt on the insides of your precious heart. Your heart should be something priceless, cherished, be taken good care of because your heart is like glass. It is very fragile. Once it is broken, it can never be the same again and it is easy to get hurt these days by your family, partner or even friends. Faithfulness, Loyalty and Honesty is getting so much more rarer. Although technology seemed to be more advanced but humans, however became less of a human. We became robots who lack morality and conscience. Some people tend to lack basic respect and curtesy. Our technical and scientific knowledge is increasing but sadly, not our humanity. Technology removes the physical distance between people but sadly, not the emotional distance.



L O S TWednesday, April 18, 2018Leave a comment




I can't sleep well at night, my demons; they bite.
People tell me it will eventually be alright, I told them, "I can never win this fight".
It's so hard to explain what is going on my mind, I guess my trusted angels; they resigned.
At times, I wonder, will I ever be enough?
Why do I always feel like my hands are cuffed?
You told me to persevere, I told you this pain is too severe.

I tend to always question myself, "Why do I need to feel this pain?"
All of my soul, they are drained. 
My mind would then replied, "It's only because, you are your own bane"
My heart, my mind, my soul, they have all fallen apart.
I just wish I could get a restart.
When I inhale all this smoke, all sorts of memories; they woke.
"Stop smoking", they say but why should I? It somehow takes my pain away.
I try and try to be better, to feel better but all my efforts are pointless like an unread burned letter.
I have always asked myself, does it really matter? 
If I was alive or completedly shattered?
If parts of me are all scattered, would people even notice that I have lost this battle?
Deep inside, I just wanted someone to notice or at least wishing I was in a hypnosis.
"You should always appreciate life", she said. 
I do, believe me, I really do but I am constantly grieving on my bed.




I never wanted people to feel the way I did so I treated people as nice I can be.
Somehow, it backfired on me and it showed me that being nice is not all that good.
You help and help others but how much did you actually help yourself? 
"You hurt yourself trying to help others. You give them a part of you and they will just take it away."
Slowly, nothing of you will be left. You will be there for people when they need you.
But ask yourself and think clearly,"Who would actually help you when you are in need?"
"Who would go out of their convenience just to sincerely help you?"
"Whether you are a friend or a stranger to them."
"How much would they help you if you really need their help?"










A Letter To My MomFriday, March 24, 2017Leave a comment




The reason why I wrote this was because I know you will never see this. I just don't have the guts to tell you how I really feel. For the days my anger got out of hand and I let it all out on people I should have never did. I don't remember being like this. As I grew older, I slowly lost my patience. Tears can be controlled but anger has been a major issue of mine. I wish the words I have said to you could be erased from your memory because I know it breaks every little piece of that angelic heart of yours. I'm sorry for the days I refuse to spend time with you because I was feeling down and I did not want you to see it. For years, the word "heartless" has been implied on me by people that it has been implanted into my mind that maybe it was better being that way. However, it feels like I have been going overboard because I stopped thinking about how you feel. I do still care and it has been years since I have been wanting to tell you how I really feel on the inside but I am too afraid. Afraid that you will get too worried about me that it will affect yourself. I see the pain in your eyes although you always try to hide it. I actually observe everything but I just choose not to say anything. I'm sorry for being such a coward but I feel like it is better if you don't know the devil that messes up my head. You asked me, " Why do I always go out late at night? " The truth of that is because late nights are the thoughts that hurts the most. Whether it is about my future, present or past, it haunts my mind and it is terrifying. People say that the deadliest thoughts are not what others say or think about you, it is your own thoughts. Nothing can hurt you unless you let it in. I am still controlling my demons, I'm not going to lie, I am not okay but I guess it is okay to not be okay.



Sometimes I am too busy with work and everything that I don't realise that I am not the only one that is growing old, you are too. I do wish that one day you will understand the things I do. No matter how tired I am, I always try my best to lessen your burden but maybe you will never see it. But it is okay, as long as I know what I am doing, trust me I will be fine and I will do the things I have said. I wasn't saying them just for the sake of it. I swear one day you will look at me and be proud of who I turned out to be. I may not be successful now but I know I will be one day. I never intend to be better than anyone but myself and I hope that one day you will finally realise the things I have been through just for you. I would never tell you because I feel like a sacrifice should remain as a sacrifice. I never expected anything much in return but to hope that you would always be happy.


對不起


我愛你




Lost Saturday, January 14, 2017Leave a comment


"What am I doing with my life?"

The biggest question people tend to ask themselves. For the first time in my life, I lost the capability to find that answer. I used to know what I want and I would always believe in it no matter how impossible it seems but recently, I just feel like my dream seems so far away. I still believe that I can achieve it but these days are just hopeless to me. I lost my will to smile. Nothing much in my life is going on and that is a problem to me. When the people around you do not even trust you and the people you once knew so much are strangers now. What more can you expect from this heartrending world? Maybe I was putting my heart out there too much. I tried to help others so much that sometimes I tend to forget about myself. What seemed impossible to me is now happening; I forgot to help myself. 


For the things that happened last year, I have reached a point in my life where I give up on people who aren't making me happy anymore. I gave up trying to make the people around me contented. Tried my best to be there for them but never appreciated. Tired of caring for those who does not care back. Tired of the dramas, the lies, the heart-cold betrayals and the resentment from society. I stopped paying attention to those people and pull all the attention only to me. I let go of people who were slowly killing my happiness. The people who poisoned me and turned me into a devil. Why choose to care for people who does not trust you with their secrets when you trust them with your heart? Why care for people who does not learn to appreciate ? Why bother hurting yourself for people who only cares bout themselves? As a song goes, "friends can break your heart too". It is undeniably true and it hurts as much as anything else but maybe I need to learn that not everyone is meant to stay in my life. They are there to just teach me a lesson. One thing for sure is that, do not blame me if I am heartless because I was forced to. I stopped looking for happiness from other people because I know I should make a paradise out of myself. I guess it is time I learn to love myself.



FateSunday, November 13, 2016Leave a comment


Love's like a rose, beautiful; but hurts when you touch.
For the longest period of time, I have actually forgotten what was it like to fall head over heels for someone. To willingly give your 100%, whether it's effort or time to someone you are crazy for. I have always wondered when would I be able to actually meet someone who would give me his 100% without doubting me. I might be a terrible person to love at first but I know once my heart is taken, it will only be that person's. Is it really that hard to gain acceptance in this cruel world? Well, it is a cruel world so ofcourse it's hard. In every relationship you have, this might be untrue to certain people but seriously, " I love you for who you are" is not really true. You always expect certain changes even if it is just one small change from that special someone. I might be mean to say so but as far as I know, it has always been like this. I know the word "love" sounds so heavenly to some people but to others, it sounds like hell and it all depends on what kind of person you love. That one person can change your whole perspective towards love. I finally meet someone who changed mine. I started trusting love again. Maybe this is the time where I finally met the right one. I was hopeful but yet afraid.
But the sad thing is, whenever you give someone your 100%, when they're gone, they take everything from you. Your feelings, your trust, your love, your efforts. Suddenly, you start questioning everything you once knew about relationships because you know everything applies differently to different people. And then you restart yourself. For everything you knew, does not applies to your current one. You learn to adapt to your new lover. New habits, new lifestyle and even changing some of your perspectives. You don't mind doing so because you know; to see a smile on your precious one's face, will make you feel contented. I would do whatever it takes to make you happy eventhough I might not show it. I definitely will not point out the sacrifices I have made for you because I know you have done the same. I might forget certain words you have said but every effort you have done, I can feel it. I just never thought that one day, we would be at this point. We were so close to a happy ending but yet so far. For everything that we have been through, I hope that you are patient enough to hold on to us. If it's not the right time now, we will wait for it. 

"If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love."

The paths after this sometimes kills my heart because I don't know how will we end up to be. For the things I have been through all these years, I am so terrified of the future. Were we meant to be or are we just forcing the impossible? Maybe we are fated but never destined to be with one another. Should we go against destiny or just surrender to it? I really don't want to get hurt again but as I know someone once told me, " You should always put up a fight for someone you love, even if you lose them, at least you know you've tried your best." By the hope of love, I am holding on to what makes me happy and hope that it would end up well. But one thing I know is. If I lose you, I'm sealing my heart for good. My last chance on love is counting on you. The one and only person who I've cherished and love most.







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